Cotton Buds
by Lilysdementor
Summary: SBRL slash. One shot. Christmas in Azkaban has always been the same for Sirius Black, but this year an unexpected letter from the past brings back memories and hope.


Title: Cotton Buds

Author: Jane Delight

Warnings: cross-dressing, slash

Disclaimer: Anything you recognise does not belong to me.

Summary: Christmas in Azkaban has always been the same for Sirius Black, but this year an unexpected letter from the past brings back memories and hope.

A/N: Wrote this for a friend. The word 'cotton buds' was to be my inspiration…

**25****th**** December 1994 **

Every Christmas, the Ministry allows the prisoners of Azkaban to receive one letter. Mind you, this is not too difficult to organise, for people who end up in Azkaban don't usually have people who'd like to send them Christmas cards. I myself have never received a letter – not that that's much of a surprise, all things considered.

I don't expect this Christmas to be much different. Christmas is no different to every other day.

A small 'pop' alerts me to the House Elf's presence. They bring the prisoners their food and, as I would momentarily find out, Christmas post.

The small white envelope, stamped with the Ministry logo and small, neat handwriting spelling out my name – handwriting I know only too well – lay next to the usual bowl of soup.

For a moment I cannot breathe.

_Remus._

Questions race through my mind. Why is he writing to me? What could possibly have occurred that he write to _me_? Me, whom he believes to have betrayed _all_ of his past friends?

There is only one way to find out. With trembling hands I open the letter.

_Sirius,_

_The reason I am writing to you is not that I forgive you. Christmas may be approaching, but that does not enable me to simply forget your betrayal. However, there is something that I need to get off my chest before I can finally move on._

_Do you remember that day, in our 7__th__ year at Hogwarts? When I caught you wearing Lily's make-up?_

How could I ever forget that?

**22****st**** October 1977**

He looked at himself in the mirror and smiled. He loved this. And although it pained him to not be at Remus' side with the others whilst the werewolf was recovering from the full moon, it was the only chance for him to indulge in his newest hobby.

That was the trouble with sharing a dorm with other boys. You were never alone. Though other things certainly made up for it…

He'd got the idea of sneaking off when the others were all crowded around Remus when James one day excused himself as he had a date with Lily.

Lily. She had soon found out about this hobby of his. It had been inevitable, really. It was her make-up, after all, and she was bound to notice it depleting for unknown reasons once a month.

He was jerked out of his thoughts as he heard footsteps approach. Panicked, he could do nothing to hide himself, so he just spun around as the door opened.

Before him stood Remus.

Remus, a bandage still peeking out from under his shirt, eyes wider than Sirius had ever seen them before.

"S-Sirius?" he stuttered, staring fixedly at Sirius.

He had to think fast. An excuse. Any excuse would do. He was practising for his sister's wedding. No, he hated his sister. He was practising for Halloween. No, straight guys would be very open about that, so that no one would think they were gay. Or transsexual. Or anything but straight, really.

"Well, you see… uhmm…"

Normally he was better at thinking under duress.

"Have… have you… have you never done this before Remus?"

There it was, his life saving idea. Remus was still staring at him oddly.

"Every man should dress up as a woman at one time in his life, my boy!"

Acting before really thinking about it, he crossed the space towards Remus and took his hand, then dragged him with him to the mirror.

"Now Remus. Let's start of with the basics. Mascara. Face me.

Remus turned towards him, confusion still apparent in his eyes.

"Now, hold still. No blinking. Keep your eyes wide open."

His hand was shaking slightly. He hoped Remus didn't notice. He was bluffing this the whole way. He hardly dared breathe. It was rare that he got this close to Remus. Normally he avoided it. He had trouble controlling himself.

He remembered that Remus was staring at him – this time at his wish – and he mentally slapped himself for letting his thoughts wander into that direction. He had to concentrate. He had to pretend. He had to not let Remus think about this situation for more than one second. If he did, there was no way he would not see right through Sirius.

"Now the other eye."

He had to concentrate. Had to not get lost in those beauti- another mental slap. Concentrate!

"So. Mascara's done. Now, let's put some eyeshadow on you."

He grabbed another cotton bud and paused a moment as he considered which colour would suit Remus best. He finally decided on a bronze tone, to highlight Remus' beautiful eyes.

He'd just thought 'beautiful' again, hadn't he?

Shaking his head slightly, he proceeded to rub the cotton bud in the eyeshadow and then, without considering the consequences much, he placed one hand on Remus' cheek and turned his head slightly.

"Close your eyes," he murmured, fighting internally against the urge to kiss the smaller boy.

Carefully, softly, he smeared the bronze onto Remus' eyelids. Whilst doing his second eye, he noticed his thumb had started to slightly stroke Remus' cheek. Heat shot up into his face, and he was very thankful that Remus could not see him, nor had he seemed to notice anything odd.

"All done. Open your eyes."

He should not have said that. The sight made his heart flutter madly, banging against his chest in a futile attempt to break free of it's prison and join Remus' in the werewolf's body.

His hand lingered a few seconds too long on Remus' face, and their faces were much too close to one another, their hearts were beating too fast and their pupils were far too dilated.

Sirius had to stop this, stop himself. If he couldn't control himself now, he could lose Remus forever. So, he pulled back and in what he hoped was a manly way – as manly as he could be, his face full of make-up – he patted Remus on the back and turned them to the mirror.

"Now you've become a real man, Remus."

He then grabbed one of those thin towel things Lily had given him in order to remove the make-up and chucked one in a hopefully uncaring way towards Remus.

"Let's get this stuff off us and see what the others are up to. Oh, and Remus?"

Remus looked over to him, half of his make-up gone already.

"This… this'll stay between us, right? Otherwise I'd never hear the end of it from James."

Remus nodded mutely.

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. That was the last thing he'd need – James asking awkward questions and Lily noticing that there was more to it than him just being… gay.

**25****th**** December 1994 **

I snap back to the present. Dwelling on these things is not good, especially not when the one you love hates you and you're stuck in the presence of Dementors.

_I could never forget that day. It was the day I learned how painful it could be to be close to the one you love._

Wait. What?

_Were the situation any other, I would now beg you to not be disgusted by me. However, I don't think you're in any position to judge. _

_I do hate you, Sirius. At the same time though, I love you. It's tearing me up inside and… I don't even know why I'm telling you this. You don't care. You never cared._

_I have nothing more to say to you right now. Before, I would have… babbled on endlessly but now… now it's out and I don't care what you think because this really is the last thing I can think of that I can do to get over it._

_This will be the last you ever hear of me._

_Goodbye,_

_Remus._

I notice that tears are running down my face when I see them drop onto the parchment, making the words written there blur.

Remus hates me. But only because he believes that I betrayed Lily and James. He does not know the true story. I… I must tell him. He must know the truth. He loves me. He loves me!

A cold wind sweeps through my cell, signalling the arrival of Dementors. They must have been attracted by my happiness. Shit.

I do the only thing I can think of to preserve the memories. I transform. And for the first time I realise that this is the key to get out of this place.

I must get out. I must find Remus. I must tell him the truth.

I simply must.


End file.
